


When (if) I was your man

by artsyleo



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Affairs, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Infidelity, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Outing, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:54:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26255248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo
Summary: Callum knows, at this point - at least he thinks he knows - that there are two kinds of happy. There's a false happy, the kind that you feel for the sake of others, the pretend kind of happy. The kind of happy where you're living someone else's life, and you have to tell yourself every night 'yeah, I'm happy like this'. Then there's true happy- true, dangerous, terrifying happy. The kind of happy that you truly, completely feel, with every fibre of your being. The kind of happy that you feel for yourself, but that's felt in secret, behind closed doors like a guilty pleasure. The kind of happy that you can only feel if you're living true.-Or, the affair that could have been.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell, Whitney Dean/Callum "Halfway" Highway
Comments: 8
Kudos: 51





	When (if) I was your man

**Author's Note:**

> tw for outing, internalized homophobia, referenced cheating (not between ballum)

Callum knows, at this point - at least he thinks he knows - that there are two kinds of happy. There's a false happy, the kind that you feel for the sake of others, the pretend kind of happy. The kind of happy where you're living someone else's life, and you have to tell yourself every night 'yeah, I'm happy like this'. Then there's true happy- true, dangerous, terrifying happy. The kind of happy that you truly, completely feel, with every fibre of your being. The kind of happy that you feel for yourself, but that's felt in secret, behind closed doors like a guilty pleasure. The kind of happy that you can only feel if you're living true.

Callum thinks he can see the distinction now, between false and true happy. He couldn't before, but that was when he hadn't ever felt truly happy. That kind of true happy, when you've been living your life hiding behind the other kind, it's like heroin- addictive, and dangerous, and so dn good when it happens but laced with guilt and regret when it's over. That's what it feels like with Ben. Ben is this drug that he just can't stop craving, this drug that he knows is going to ruin him but he can't find it in him to care when he indulges because its that good.

But then of course, its over. The guilt creeps in like an oncoming storm and he hates himself for it, hates himself for being so damn foolish, so weak to have to give in to it, because he's been hiding from this secret his entire life, and now there's no going back.

He marries her, though. He marries Whitney anyway, because he loves her, he does, and it's what everyone else wants anyway, so why deny them?

The wedding is beautiful. Whitney- she's beautiful, and that's obvious to Callum despite his secret. But Ben, in his red suit-

They get married, he smiles for the camera, says his vows without stuttering too much, and tries to ignore the feeling in his gut that's telling him his life is over when the minister says 'you may kiss the bride'.

They kiss, and Ben leaves, hands in his pockets, shaking his head.

-

_You can lie to everyone, but you can't lie to yourself, it will rip you apart._

_-_

It's Christmas, three months later. Callum- he's fine, he's great, he's loving married life. 

(At least, that's what he tells everyone else. Ben, though-) 

They're having a huge Christmas this year, because it's their first as a married couple. They're invited over to the Mitchell-Beale family Christmas on boxing day, because Lola and Whit are good friends, and Callum tries every excuse in the book to stop her. She relents, says they'll only be there a couple hours which of course ends up being a lie, when her and Lola open the wine and start talking. He spends most of the evening between talking to Kathy, who seems to have taken a suspicious shining to him, and Lexi, Ben's little girl, who is the sweetest kid ever. There's so much of Ben in her, so much of that sass and witty charm that keeps Ben on his mind, and she never stops talking. Callum's always liked kids, so he spends most of the evening distracting himself with her. 

(He feels Ben's eyes boring into him on multiple occasions, but he doesn't dare meet them. He can't, because he knows if he does he'll want to let it all come spilling out.) 

-

They sit around opening presents later, and Ian's wearing the santa beard, which would be hilarious in any situation. Callum smiles, laughs through it all, thanks people for their gifts, and avoids Ben at all costs, tries not to let himself imagine what it would be like sitting here with Ben tucked under his arm instead of Whitney, because her hair smells too strongly of coconut, and Ben's is always soft, and smells musky, and dark, and just so much like him-

Callum's got the last present, which he hates, because everyone ends up looking at him. He hates being the centre of attention at the best of times, but especially now. 

It's a dvd in a little clear case, with his name written on it in black marker. It's odd, because he doesn't really recognise the handwriting, and surely if it was from someone here, he'd know-

Whitney takes it out of his hand a minute later, and gasps. 

"Wait, is this the wedding footage?" she asks excitedly, and there's a chorus of excited chattering from around them. 

"Put it on!" Lola says, gesturing to the TV, and Whitney nods excitedly. Callum lets her, even though something feels wrong. Why would whoever it was address the footage to him, and not him and Whitney. 

Unless-

It can't be. No one else saw that. 

"Whit-" he says suddenly, but he's interrupted by his own face on the screen. It's grainy footage, filmed from the bedside cabinet in his and Whit's bedroom. He's standing at the mirror in his wedding suit, adjusting his tie when there's a knock at the door. 

"Come in!" he shouts on the screen, and a familiar face walks in. 

Hands in his pockets, brown hair mussed up, maroon red suit-

_No_

It can't be this, because he knows exactly what this is, and _she can't see it_ but he's frozen, mortified, terrified. 

_"How's the groom doing?" Ben says, and there's a fake-cocky lilt to his voice._

_"What do you want, Ben?" Callum replies with a sigh._

_"You know what I want." Ben says. "I want you to be honest."_

_"I can't, Ben, you know that," Callum whispers, and he hates that there's fear in his voice, fear, and desperation, and honestly above all else that says_ you know I want to _._

_"You can't just ignore this, Cal. You ain't even told her, have you?"_

_"She never has to know, it's not important-"_

_Ben kisses him, without another word. Rests both hands either side of Callum's face, fingertips stroking through his hair, and kisses him. Callum responds, hands coming to rest on Ben's hips when he pulls away._

_"That ain't important to you, yeah?"_

_Callum doesn't say anything, just leans back in and kisses him again, and it's full of desperate hope, fear, want-_

The video pauses on an image of the two of them kissing. The room is completely silent as Callum's world falls apart around him. Because not only does Whitney now know, he's just been outed to the whole room, and fuck knows it's not going to stay a secret for long. The first thing he can think is how unfair it all is, how that moment was for him and Ben alone, and now they've all seen it. How Callum can so vividly remember that moment even without the grainy footage, how it was his one anchor of hope before the wedding and now it's not even his any more. All the breath leaves his lungs and he can feel as a tear begins to trace down his cheek. He closes his eyes, attempting a deep breath but managing just a stuttering one, before he opens them again and turns to Whitney. She's sat stock still, eyes trained on the screen, tears covering her face. 

"Whit-" Callum mutters, but she pulls away, standing up in front of him. 

"Callum," she says, and her voice is trembling, devastated. "What- what was that?" 

"It's- it's nothing, just-" 

"Nothing?" Whitney shouts, and Callum can't help the way he flinches, even though he knows he deserves this. Fuck, he deserves _so much more_.

"Cal," someone mutters from beside him, muffled, and he doesn't have to turn to recognise that voice. 

"Don't you dare, don't you dare!" Whitney shouts, turning on Ben, who's stood in the doorway, eyes on Callum and fists balled at his side. He sighs, turning to Whitney with a placating look. 

"Look, Whit, just calm down alright-" 

"Calm? No, no, don't you _ever_ tell me how to feel, right?" she whips back around to Callum. 

"Go on then, you want to try and explain yourself?" 

"Whit, _please_ , just- it's not what it looks like, just not here-" 

" _Not_ what it looks like?" Whitney says, and she's fuming. 

"Maybe we should go," Lola whispers, gesturing to Lexi and standing up. Jay follows her soon after, along with Ian and Kathy, who squeezes Callum's shoulder as she goes, even though Callum flinches at the touch. 

(He's so fucking thankful to Lola, though, because whether it's a kindness to him or to Whitney, she just _knows._ ) 

Callum sees out of the corner of his eye when Ben turns to leave too, but Whitney turns on him.

"No, not you," she says, and there's venom in her voice, pure hatred. Instead of saying anything, Ben just walks a little further into the room, and shuts the door behind him. There's a deafening silence for a few minutes, while the tension settles across the room. It's just the three of them right now, and Callum thinks the heavy pressure could suffocate him.

"So what is this, then?" Whitney says quietly, venomously. Ben's silent, head down.

"It was nothing, Whit, I promise-"

"Nothing? That ain't nothing," She replies, turning straight on Callum. "Getting off with another bloke ain't nothing, Callum, not least because we were married when you were doing it!"

"Whit-"

"No, Callum. No, what do you want, for me to feel sorry for you?" 

"No, of course not!" Callum cries, and he can feel himself shaking, feel the way there's a pain beating out of his chest because _this is all his fault_. "I just- I just want to explain, it was a mistake, a stupid _mistake_ " 

"Just once, was it? Is that what you're going to say next?" she responds, and Callum's mouth goes dry. She turns on Ben instead. 

"What about you then? What, did you enjoy screwing me over while you screwed my husband? What, should we compare notes?" She says. Ben just stands there, silent, eyes to the floor, and it hits him, what Ben's doing-

_"I'm not gonna out you, Cal," Ben says, whispers it in Callum's ear over the bar because it's a secret just for them, and because Whitney is a couple metres away. "I ain't going to say anything."_

_Callum doesn't know why, but it makes whatever this is stronger, all those feelings rushing through his veins pump up tenfold because Ben just_ knows _._

_"Thank you," he says, and it's a tenth of what he wants to do._

"Gone quiet now, have you?" Whitney says. Ben doesn't look at her, just stands still, arms crossed across his chest. "Get out of my way." 

Ben moves to the side and Whitney pushes past, and marches out of the door. For the first time, it's just Callum and Ben alone in the room, without prying eyes and Callum doesn't know what to do. The one thing he's been dreading has finally happened - there's no hiding now. 

"Cal," Ben mutters softly, and it's then that he realises that his cheeks are wet, and he probably looks a mess. Ben walks towards him, as if approaching a scared animal, a worried look on his face, but Callum's got nothing to say. It's like- as much as he hates this about himself, it was the one thing he had control over, when, if, the secret ever got out. Now it's done, though- it's slipped out of his control, just like the rest of his life, and soon the whole square will know his dirty little secret-

"Callum?" Ben's voice says, and suddenly the other man is right in front of him. There's a soft, worried look in his face, one that's reserved for only him. Despite everything, that look has always made him feel special - he gets to see a side of Ben Mitchell that no one else does. Ben's hand comes to rest on his arm, and slips down to fall into his hand, fingers intertwining for comfort, and now Callum can't hold it in any longer. He's crying before he knows it, mourning the control that he's lost over his life, his secrets, _his own identity._ Ben pulls him into his arms and holds him there, a hand stroking up and down his back, and Callum forgets where they are for a while. It's just the two of them in the whole world, and this huge messy _something_ that they've created. 

**Author's Note:**

> so here's this! I'm actually quite pleased with this one. I wrote it a little after the max & stacey affair iconic ep aired because I was inspired by it, and honestly I would've loved a proper ee style affair for ballum so I'm gonna write it instead.   
> hope you enjoyed, comments and kudos mean the world! come talk to me on tumblr @artsy-highway if ya like <3  
> leo x


End file.
